Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”