Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

I’m holding off buying a robot vacuum, until my robot is filthy.

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.