Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”