Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

no exceptions

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑