WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
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Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.