WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

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When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”


Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..


[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!


[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick


[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]


If you watch Twitter backwards, it’s about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.


Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc


If you are older than 17 and have mad love for Justin Bieber ,you are the reason whales are the most intelligent species.


Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of


So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.