WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

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son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult


I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.


“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever


Me: So which one do you like? I like this one with the ocean in the background

DMV: For the last time sir, you can’t submit your own photo


Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good


Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.


I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was


I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.


Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?