@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

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@iwearaonesie

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

@RunJeffreyRun

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

@ksej

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

@thatUPSdude

Me: So which one do you like? I like this one with the ocean in the background

DMV: For the last time sir, you can’t submit your own photo

@nnnatchos

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

@SamGrittner

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

@thenoahkinsey

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

@Izianikapani

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

@Dani_Feld

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK