Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

reminder

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

he’s doing your taxes

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?