Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

🙋‍♀️

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”