Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow