Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.