Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne