wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
You Might Also Like
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.