Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

Netflix and awkward silence?

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs