Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

want me to check your oil?

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too