Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.