Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.