wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

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I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …


I wish I was getting half as much action as my neighbour’s lawn mower.


Of course I swallow it’s a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras


Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:

Nice ass.


Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’


Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either


A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!


Fun Game:
1. Be a couple without kids.
2. Hire a babysitter.
3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, “You lost it already?!?”