wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
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Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Danger is very dangerous
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend