Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no