Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations