Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.