wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
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Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat