wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
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I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.