Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

When your diet is finally over.

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me