Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.