Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects