Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.