Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]