@Browtweaten

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

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@abbycohenwl

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

@Shen_the_Bird

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

@NoogsCorner

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

@NourHadidi

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

@Cpin42

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

@caseytduncan

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

@DurtMcHurtt

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

@Parker_Simpson

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

@jctwritesstuff

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.