Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
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ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no