Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
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crying
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?