Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
You Might Also Like
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
You had me at “define legal”.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass