Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
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Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I wanna be friends with this person
saving face 👀
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide