Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
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God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.