Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

*bites zombie*

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

this isn’t threatening at all

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place