Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail