Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
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demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
aura