Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try