Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

Spider-cat: No One Home

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

(yawn)