@Brampersandon_

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

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@INDlAN_

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

@robyn_vo

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

@scottthetwat

My ex GF turned out to be anorexic. Gradually I just saw less and less of her.

@AndyAsAdjective

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

@SoAnyway1

I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.

@McJesse

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.