@Brampersandon_

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

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@TheToddWilliams

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

@werehedgehog

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. ūüôā

*later to thugs* They know too much.

@TommyWallace

Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but-

Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

@CulturedRuffian

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

@Elizasoul80

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

@andrewfalloon

My Dad is recovering from an operation. Mum went out and left a door slightly ajar.

My parents do not have a cat.

@junejuly12

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name