Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Oh hi lol
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*