Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

The most accurate map ever devised.

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

peep davidson

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?