Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

Ah yes. The three genders

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.