Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch

Breaking news:

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better