Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

#ProTip

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.