WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
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Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
goldfish mafia
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break