WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
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*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I hate my earbuds.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.