Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.