Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters