Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

🥴😂

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.