Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Body by sandwich.

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.