Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
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hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I am having an out of money experience.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.