Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf