Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

fired

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale