Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
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My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
hey, alexa
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Covid like
New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?