Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

Not even remotely sorry.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.