Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
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I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I only eat vegetarians.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.