Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
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Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon