Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

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Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?


God, creating dogs: GIVE THEM JOY AND POOP
Angel: what about balance


Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer


Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.


*walks into the coffin shop*

I’ll take this one please. Don’t wrap it, I’ll wear it.


[hiding in a pantry during a robbery]

Wife: [terrified and crying]

Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can’t taste the difference.


As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.


90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.


what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home


Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire