Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.