Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…

Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.