Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

They’re on their honeymoon

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry