WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
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Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
When he asks for feet pics
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”