Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…