@UncleDuke1969

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

You Might Also Like

@asimplesean

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

@Fred_Delicious

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

@realfunghi

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

@protolalia

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

@ericsshadow

1985: call me on the new line in my room

2000: call me on my mobile flip phone

2015: don’t call me

@ArfMeasures

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

@Hammyinmiami

Whose got two big strong hands? Asking for a friend on National No Bra day?

@ArfMeasures

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there