@UncleDuke1969

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

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@BriarSlyMalice

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

@Awkward_Fun

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.

@causticbob

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

@longwall26

If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.

@arcadeseals

me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk

wife: great! what did he say?

me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”

@thejakeshenry

This dishwasher sucks. It’s already ruined three of my paper plates.

@CaniacMONK

My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

@lovemyboots111

How do you know your man is cheating?

When he drives by her place the wifi connects