WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
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people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
*jazz hands*
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Yup
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it