“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

You Might Also Like


Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.


[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”


Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.


You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.


1985: call me on the new line in my room

2000: call me on my mobile flip phone

2015: don’t call me


Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?


Whose got two big strong hands? Asking for a friend on National No Bra day?


OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there