“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

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NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.


What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.


A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”


If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.


me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk

wife: great! what did he say?

me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”


This dishwasher sucks. It’s already ruined three of my paper plates.


My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.


How do you know your man is cheating?

When he drives by her place the wifi connects