Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

Morning.

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape