Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

New nose

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

Roombas should bark

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.