Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Do not levitate over flowers

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

The three genders.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.