Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
You Might Also Like
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater