Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes