Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moms. The original autocorrect.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle