Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?

I hope this email finds you in a well

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

i’m laughing very hard in real life

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

ㅤ

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately