Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes