Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

*pronounces surface like Versace*

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

Me: *falling asleep*

My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking