Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

A dead goose is called a ghoost

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate