Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Social distancing in Australia:
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
